Who Am I?

Once a friend asked me Who Am I?

And my answer was Brianna, a 23 year old female from Orange County. 

And he told me that I wasn't fully understanding the question.

Tonight it hit me. I finally understood what he meant.

Who am I?

Its a simple question.

What makes me me?

I'm the type of person who loves others.

I put others before me.

I give without thinking, no hesitation, no expectation.

I'd take a bullet for a stranger if it meant helping them.

I cry in movies.

I love babies.

I dream about my prince charming

I dream about fairytales.

Im always expecting people to bust into song around me because life is a musical.

I would kill for my family.

I am competitive and can be hardworking when I wanna be.

I act before I think.

My emotions rule my life.

I believe that their is goodness inside everyone.

I believe we are all pure and loving creatures.

I believe that life is magical and not to be wasted.

That we should dream as big as our heart can!

Life was meant for us to LIVE,

Not for us to live others lives.
We aren't here to live the life our parents want us to live.

Or the life our friends want us to live.

Were here for us.

To make us happy.

Were here to feel pain and sorrow.

To feel joy and happiness.

To breathe in each day because it is another beautiful day!

Life is beautiful and if your not careful it may pass you by.

Drowning

Going for a swim

Currents racing in

Trying to fight the waves

Back to calm waters

Smacked across the face

Being dragged under

Twirling in the whirlwind

The current drags you deeper

While darkness closes in

Your body struggles for control

While the current has all the power

Your mind tries to regain consciousness

To think of what to do next

Wave upon wave smashing you down

Difficult for you to breathe

Fear begins to sink in

Is this the end?

Do I cease to be?

The water is cold 

While running out of air

Sinking fear from head to toe

Accepting whats to come

If its my time than nothing can be done to fight the tides

Giving in to the water

Let the waves have their way 

Accepting every turn and allowing it to happen

But soon the current weakens

Fore Arms can be straightened

And darkness lightens

The rushing waves tame

Your body breaches the surface

Breathing in pure oxygen

Relief you made it through the struggle

But now the true test begins

Do I take another swim?

And venture the shaking waters

Or do I change my approach?

And head to calmer waters

For only time will tell

Pain

Hiding in the bathroom

Scared to show my face

Tears roll down my cheeks 

Waves of pain ever flowing

Trying to gasp for air

Fear of never knowing

Will it go away?

The yelling and fighting never ceases

Replaying every word and action in my head

Remembering the good times we use to have

Remembering the love we use to share

Is it hiding like I am now?

Or was it infatuation?

We use to make each other smile

But now we only feel blue

I think the truth of the matter is

Im not good enough for you.

Feelings and Plato

Emotions. Thats such a strong word. Love, Hate, Sadness, Hope, it all means something different yet it all falls under an emotion. How do you define these words? A friend told me once why are you sad? But what makes it sad? He told me I was only sad because I deemed it sad. This made me think. Was he right? Can things be seen from a completely different view?

For instance, but your self in someone else's shoes when your having an argument. Do you all of a sudden understand their side? Can you no longer be upset with them? I think so. I tend to find that I have a hard time stepping into other peoples shoes when I'm feeling emotional.  I expect them to understand me and side with me. I expect them to Love me instead of just letting them love me naturally. I expect them to always be on my side and stand up for me when sometimes I'm actually the one at fault.

Lets break this down;

What is JEALOUSY? jealousy is just an emotion of you being insecure. Most girls that get jealous of their boyfriends are people who insecure with themselves. Once you love yourself you will not be jealous anymore.

What is INSECURITY? Feeling your not good enough? Again this goes back to feeling loved once you love yourself others can love you too!

What is ANGER? Anger is a strong feeling of annoyance. So when someone angers you its usually cause they annoy you and then you can dig deeper into that even more. Why are they annoying you? Could it be do to an insecurity you have? A lot of time people are annoyed of things they don't have so leads back to jealousy.
**Now obviously this isn't always the case**

What is LOVE? Love is the strong attraction you have towards each other and yourself. Everyone defines love differently but you cant love another till you love yourself. I think once you learn to love yourself your problems with all these other emotions will go away :-)

What is PAIN? Pain is the mix of all these emotions at once. Eating away at you. If your in pain you need to feel and work through it or else you will keep it bottled up inside and not let go.

Over the past few months I have been on a roller coaster of emotions lately and it has brought me to better appreciate them and life itself. Life is too short to always be jealous of others. To say I wish he liked me or he liked me. They don't so move on. Why wait for years in hopes that this guy will change his mind? Why not love myself and see what happens then? Once I do that who knows what doors and windows will open unto me? I am excited to see.  We will see the light at the other end of the tunnel and see true reality.

My friend has been teaching me about Platos allergy of the cave. If you don't know what it is go here and you can learn more about it its a fascinating topic and really opened my eyes to a lot of things. :-)    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Allegory_of_the_Cave

Its helped me realize that I live in my own mind alot of us do and we need to break free and turn around and see what is true reality not false reality. That way we can learn more about ourselves and the world and better understand everyone and what makes them tick...

Sunny Days Healthcare and Welfare

Sitting here on a beautiful day inside? Why? Laziness I guess. Its such a beautiful day outside yet I wanna go  out and do something but what? My mind has a hard time wrapping itself around a plan that a lot of times i end up just staying inside on the computer or watching movies. Why is that? is it a weird quirk I have? Or am I just strange? lol...

The past few days Ive been pondering healthcare. I know this is a tough issue that a lot of people don't wanna talk about or no one agrees on but all I know is that our healthcare system is messed up. I witnessed a coworker get sent home the other day cause he was super sick. Turns out hes Diabetic and has no health insurance. How horrible is that? People need health insurance and need medicines or else there gonna be sick all the time. I mean look at me for instance I'm in debt about $60,000 just from medical bills alone. And when I was hospitalized for tonsillitis it could have been avoided had I had insurance and just gone in for a check up. Instead they sent me a $75,000 hospital bill and when I said I had no insurance they discounted it down to $45,000 oh how generous of them! Where am I suppose to get that kind of money? They must be crazy! All I know is we need change some kind not sure what but we need some sort of change!

I think its wrong how some of these government run programs are well run now a days. When I was homeless and only working a few hours a week I went to the welfare  office and they laughed in my face said making $200 a month is too much for them. Is that ridiculous or what? They said that someone who makes $200 can get help and can provide for themselves. You cant get anything with that. What I find is that the system is flawed it allows for people to only to become stuck on the system where their is no way to help improve them to get off. They have no help towards bettering themselves they wont get a job cause they'll lose their welfare benefits. Why aren't we better regulating these systems and instead of those who need help getting help they have so many people abusing the system that instead the people who need it cant get help and fall into despair. I'm not saying I'm the woman to fix the healthcare and government run programs but their needs to be some sort of reform is all. It wont be easy but it needs to be done.

Self Discovery

The path to self discovery is a hard one. Many people spend there whole lives trying to find who they truly are. In our world we have soo many people and things pulling us to believe in this or that or trying to influence us that only do we discover what we truly believe so late in life. 


“When you examine the lives of the most influential people who have ever walked among us, you discover one thread that winds through them all. They have been aligned first with their spiritual nature and only then with their physical selves.” Albert Einstein


Learning about your true self is painful and takes time to sort through everything youve ever been through in life to determine whether you did it cause someone told you to or because you wanted to. That is what I am going through.


I am trying to find the True Brianna, not the one influenced by my parents and friends but by my own thoughts and actions. This road is a long road but in it I have learned many things about myself I never knew before. 


I urge you all to go on this path and discover what you truly want out of life what you truly believe and I feel you will truly be much happier in life. 


Push everyone else out of your mind and dig deep to the far corners of your brain and find what truly makes you happy? Or am I trying to please others?


Ive learnes that I am the biggest people pleaser and always done what others thought was best for me rather than myself. I find that I tend to me more miserable when I follow what everyone tells me to do instead of my own heart. Its time for me to be selfish and break free of this mold that everyone has created that is Brianna and let the true Brianna come out. If you dont like it then your lose but I am done pleasing everyone and Im just gonna be me!